I love how the headlines talk about dudes from Florida as if they are one solitary superhero, “Florida Man.” Except instead of helping people and saving lives, he just gets messed up and does the stupidest shit. Kind of like Will Smith in that movie Hancock. It’s

  • "Florida Man drunkenly scales tall building while naked."
  • "Florida Man has sex with aligators while high on bath salts."
  • "Florida Man tries to sell his children into an underground toddler fight club to get enough money for prostitute."

Florida Man isn’t the hero we deserve. And he’s also not the one we needed. He’s our corrupt protector, our immoral guardian, our Drunk Knight.

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