I fell asleep while chewing gum and when I woke up it was gone. Like not fell out of my mouth or got stuck somewhere, just gone. I’m scared, what are the options I mean either I swallowed it (and I mean it was a big wad of gum if I could swallow that in my sleep then I should really start embracing my bisexual side) OR ?? or what? Idk what else is there, tiny sleep fairies stole it? Do the borrowers live in my house? Am I overreacting to this, probably. But it’s been bugging me for days.
There needs to be a scale that measures procrastination. Cause some people say, “OMG I’m the worst procrastinator” and I don’t know if they mean ‘leave homework till the night before it’s due’ procrastinating or my kind of ‘put your entire life on hold from the fear of an uncertain future’ procrastinating. And I think the measurement is simple: it’s how many tabs you keep open in your browser on average. It would range from single digit tab-ers that are still like functional human beings to 30’s and 40’s which is “you need professional help” procrastinating territory.
I know this is really dumb and probably no one else will get it, but like whenever I start thinking about my future positively and I tell myself, “I can be successful. I can do it, I know I can. I’ll start a family and travel and I will make enough to be comfortable and never have to worry about bills. I’m gonna make it.” I always, for some odd reason, hear in the back of my mind that little guitar trickling riff thing from “Your Hand in Mine” by Explosions in the Sky. It’s just hopeful and positive and uplifting and it gives me goosebumps. You know what I’m talking about? It goes “Dedalee da dah dedalee da dah dedalee da duh dah da.” …….Am I the only one?
It’s so weird how easily society can twist how we remember something until it’s not even true anymore. Like I always laugh when people talk about George Washington Carver. 99% of society that knows his name will tell you that he invented peanut butter. But that’s not even true. I mean the Aztecs had peanut butter before we even came to the new world. George Washington Carver invented at least 200 but some say 300 uses for peanuts to promote them as a more useful and valuable alternative to growing cotton and still 100 more uses for things like soybeans. Dude made peanut soap, peanut medicine, peanut bombs, peanut condoms, peanut iPods. He was one of the most important innovators of the 19th century, but his legacy is just “that peanut butter guy.” Poor bastard.
I had to let go of a friend today. He had asked me to help him “move” but what he really meant was help him pack then help him move. Frankly, in terms of favors, that’s the difference between asking someone to give you a back-rub and asking them to give you a prostate exam. I don’t need people like that in my life.
Anonymous asked: you look like jesus
Considering how much time I spend dreaming about eatin’ ass, I’m guessing I am not in fact the son of God.
My favorite hobby is to pick a TV show and convince someone that the show is actually just a fantasy created by the main character because they died before the show took off. You can do it with literally anything and twist plot points to sound like evidence to support your case.
- "Yeah man 'Justified' is just Raylan’s fantasy of going back home and being a cowboy US Marshall. He actually died in that first shooting in Miami when the guy drew on him. Everything else is just a dream. Think about it, that’s why he shoots everyone dead with a perfect shot yet never gets hit himself.”
- "Dude seriously, 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' is just Will’s dying fantasy. He was really shot on that playground from the opening credits by some thugs after a b-ball game. I mean that’s the only way the show makes any sense! Otherwise none of that ridiculous crap would have been possible.”
- “'Futurama' is just Fry imagining what the future would be like while in a coma after being hit by a drunk driver on New Year’s Eve 1999.”
- "Haha 'Breaking Bad'? Really man? You don’t see it? The cancer killed him in the very beginning, simple as that. The rest is just his beautiful fantasy of a much cooler death, that’s the only way WW could fight back against his disease.”
- "Look all I’m gonna say about 'Supernatural' is that the whole family died in a housefire in episode 1 except for Dean who created this whole fantasy to cope with his family’s death and living alone on the streets.”
Just do it with anything you can think of. It’s loads of fun. And nothing is more entertaining than messing with people’s perspectives hehehe.
Even though I consciously realize how stupid it is, whenever a TV show/movie/song references or says the name of my city/state/general area, my brain always gets really excited and goes, “HEY HEY THAT’S ME! THEY SAY PLACE AND I AM PLACE! ME FEEL IMPORTANT! THEY TALK ABOUT ME!”
There’s a limited number of times that you can ignore my messages or treat me like crap and still have me try to be your friend……I mean that number is like a million because I’m pathetic. But still, it’s there.
My favorite part of these Olympics was the story of Lolo Jones, who was a track star for the USA that fell in the most important race of her life and in an effort to win a gold medal, picked up bobsledding to compete in the Winter Olympics. That’s literally the plot of the greatest movie ever made, “Cool Runnings.” She made her own sequel! That’s brilliant!
Sometimes I realize how dangerous my brain is. Like today I was daydreaming while looking at a bank that was across the road from the parking lot I was in and I just said to myself, “I could totally rob that bank. Middle of the day on a weekday, one old lazy guard, nearest police station is about 8 minutes away: I got this. This chick driving the armored truck left the door open! It’s like she’s ASKING me to do it. Pop her in the leg with a .22 just to put her down, don’t wanna kill anyone. Knock the guard out with a good punch. Fire a couple rounds into the ceiling and round up the tellers. Don’t even go after the safe that’s a chump move, just empty the drawers. Let them hit the silent alarm, I will be gone way before we see any cops. Then clean out the armored truck on the way to my car. Probably have to dump it in the woods, maybe burn the interior to hide evidence……..what just happened here.”
I love the post-event interview with an Olympian when they don’t win: “You just failed in the Olympics in front of your family, friends, and frankly the whole world after working for the last 4 years and really your entire life for this moment. Tell me, are you as immensely disappointed in yourself as we all are in you?”
My sister buys a lot of make-up and cosmetic stuff online and has it shipped to my house because no one is home during the day at her place to receive it. So like 5 times in the last 2 weeks the, UPS guy has handed me packages from Sephora and is starting to give me very subtle judgmental looks. Even though its not actually my package, next time he gives me that look I’m just gonna yell at him, “WHAT’S THE MATTER? NEVER SEEN A MAN BUYING MAKE-UP BEFORE?”