At dinner tonight my father broke a dead silence to say, “…So what is Tumblr?” 0_0 and I dropped my fork and started to panic and all I could say was, “What? Why? Why do you care? It’s none of your business. Stay outa my private life.” And he looked at me confused and said”….I just…saw on the news that this website Tumblr was bought by Yahoo for over a billion and I didn’t know what it was.” FUCK! So I scrambled to recover and said the first this that came to mind, which was, “Ohhhhhh umm Tumblr is a…website for…..gymnasts and…gymnastics enthusiasts….they sell equipment and clothing….and teach you techniques and moves…its just the ultimate gymnastics resource.”  I think he bought it, but now my father thinks I’m a weirdo gymnastics enthusiast, which is a far better alternative then him learning what I actually do on this site. Damn you Yahoo, you’re blowin’ up my spot.

Something about working up all the motivation and energy to put on socks and shoes and pants and a shirt to walk all the way down the driveway to get the mail, only to find that the mailbox is empty, kind of feels like asking someone to prom and getting shot down. It just feels like a rejection. I walk back to the house going, “No no no it’s cool…I get it. You’re doing you’re own thing, I’ll just do mine, It’s fine. Really….No big deal.”

My neighbors trained their dog not to poop in the yard cause they don’t want to step in it or anything, but they never actually gave it a place to go, so when they let it out into the back yard it runs over to my yard and takes a shit. And they don’t seem to care too much about addressing that problem so I’ve come up with a solution where I leave a shovel in the back yard and use it like a catapult arm to throw their dog’s shit back into their yard. Today I threw a floater in the pool and left a present on the trampoline. My aim is getting better.

It really frustrates me that the Dr. Who fandom calls themselves like “Wholockians” or “Whovians” because CLEARLY the coolest name you could choose for that fandom is “Whooligans” and they are wasting such a golden opportunity.

I very adamantly hate when a song on my iPod does not have any album artwork. It just drives me crazy. So if I can’t find some sort of artwork for the album or single or artist/band/movie or w/e, then I will just add any picture that I can think of to fill in. A picture of a corgi, or a nice sunset, or a fat booty, some graphic art, a comic book panel, boobs, etc; anything is better than nothing. I just can’t leave it blank. It freaks me out.

Everyone on Tumblr does this “how to something something something: a biography by me” book title joke and its really fucking stupid. Not just because the joke has been done to death and is no longer clever and original. But because it doesn’t make any sense. IF the book title is information on how to do something like “Being a loser” or “How to embarrass yourself in public” of whatever, then its not a biography. It’s a do-it-yourself, self-help, advice book right? And even IF that was the title of a biography and it was just a funny, catchy title to your biography that was made to sound like an information book; you are still writing “a biography by me.” So if you are writing a book advising people on how to do something based on your own past experiences and you’re calling it a biography, then it would be an AUTOBIOGRAPHY! If you’re gonna exploit a played out, over-done joke just to try and capitalize on a popular trend; please at least make sure the premise of the joke makes sense first.

As the school year ends many of you will be graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. I only really have two pieces of advice 1) reach for the stars, dream big, etc etc and 2) if, over the course of your grade/middle/junior high/high school career, you made a video for some sort of group project and you’re saving it thinking that in a couple years it might be fun to look at it again. DON’T. DESTROY IT! CAST IT INTO THE FIRE! It will be tragically awful. We all thought we were so cool and funny and that our video was like totally the best school project video ever made, but we were wrong. We were all dweebs acting stupid and goofy and the video will be so horribly painful. You’ll watch 10 seconds and want to shoot yourself in the face. Just destroy it.

As a Star Wars fan, I never really got why everyone thought Boba Fett was such a cool badass. I mean sure he had cool gear, cool armor, and an awesome ship, but those were all things he took from his “father” who was a real badass. Boba Fett couldn’t catch Han Solo alone after tracking him to Cloud City, he got Han handed to him in carbonite by Vader. AND at the first sign of a fight when Luke starts kicking ass on the sail barge, Boba Fett dies instantly getting his pussy ass tossed into the Sarlacc Pit.

Boba Fett is literally only different from a shitty, run of the mill, original series Stormtrooper because he has Jango Fett’s armor and ship. Otherwise he is just a crappy clone that dies like a little bitch.

I said what I said and it’s the truth. Deal with it.

I laugh when a DVD offers the options: “Play Theatrical version” or “Play Unrated Extended version” like how is that a question? “Hmm I guess I’ll just choose the theatrical version, who needs all that extra boobs and sex and violence and dirty jokes. I’m only watching “Team America: World Police” for it’s social commentary on international relations anyways.” If you are watching a movie that offers an unrated extended version, then chances are that you are watching the movie for the type of content that would be added in an unrated extended version.

I tried watching that Farrah Abraham / Teen Mom sex tape thing just because I had heard everyone on my dash talking about it. I skipped the boring talky talk part and started at the first time she touches a penis. Honestly I couldn’t watch more than 3 minutes of it before I had to turn it off, not because the sex was that bad but because I couldn’t stop laughing. The dialogue was killing me. It was hilarious! This dumass girl keeps telling JAMES DEEN how good he is at sex. Just repeatedly “Ohh baby you’re so good. Ohh yeah how do you do that so well. Ohh God you’re so good at this.”

And I just couldn’t stop laughing. NO SHIT he is good at this. It’s his job to be good at it. And he’s generally considered the best in the world at it. That would be like hiring Kobe Bryant to come to your house to play you in 1 on 1 and the whole time while he’s taking you to school just saying, “Wow Kobe you sure are good at this. Gosh Kobe you really know how to shoot that fade-away jumper.” The ridiculousness of her attempted interaction made it impossible to be the least bit aroused.

About a week ago I experienced one of the happiest moments of my life. I was buying a card for my mom for Mother’s Day, and there was a crowd around the card isle so an impromptu line had formed. I waited my turn and started to shuffle through the line to peruse the couple hundred cards there. But the SECOND card I looked at was perfect and I mean PERFECT, it was funny but still sweet and oddly appropriate to my family’s situation and ya just it was made for me. So since I had my perfect card after only looking at TWO, I had to exit the line, and I couldn’t help but giggling because it was so perfect. The woman behind me happened to be a big, sassy black lady. And she saw me grab the card and smile really wide so when I turned trying to exit the line and she said “Oooo SOMEbody found their card.” And I said ” You know it” with a wink and a finger gun and as I was strollin’ away she gave me a “Mmmmhmm” with the sassy head pop and everything. I was smiling so much I was in tears. It was honestly one of the awesomest things ever. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop smiling all day, it was just the coolest I’ve ever felt.

I wanted to show the woman who gave birth to me just how important she is in my life, so I got my mom a fancy bottle of wine and a beautiful card for Mother’s Day that had this holographic film on the front of a pink backdrop with shimmery butterflies flying through a garden of roses with a William Butler Yeats poem written in fancy glittery characters, and on the inside of the card is a pristine piece of fancy stationary paper with frilly snowflake edging and a lined space on the pages outlined in gold trim where you are supposed to write a nice, lovely message to your wonderful mother. And I scribbled across the lines in sharpie, “WE RIDE TOGETHER, WE DIE TOGETHER. BAD BOYS 4 LIFE!”  My mother was not quite amused by it. I, on the other hand, have been laughing for six straight hours.

I was eating popcorn and a piece fell out of my hand in between the keys of my keyboard and I couldn’t get it out. So I had 2 options, I could go find some tweezers (which would require moving) or I could try to suck it out of the keyboard with my mouth. I chose the latter. And God bless my mother for walking by while I was sucking on a keyboard and deciding not to acknowledge it or say anything.