I have always hoped that Jesus was at the Last Supper like giving Judas the business knowing that he would betray him later on that night. Like:"Lets split the bill, so that everyone pays for what they’ve got coming to them. Judas you owe… -__- 30 pieces of silver.”
"Hey Judas could you pass your knife so I can cut this bread? Oh what’s that? You don’t have one? Right i guess you left it in my back.”
"Okay guys, good meal, lots of fun. I’m gonna go do some praying. I’ll catch up with you later. Hey Judas, let’s hang out tomorrow.”
Do you ever put new music in sort of a random playlist that you listen to over and over so much that eventually whenever you hear one song from it, you just automatically assume it will end and launch into the song that followed it on the playlist? Then it doesn’t and you think, “oh yeah those songs weren’t actually made to go together.”
Having a parent that works in a medical-related field can suck because sometimes you will have a health concern and they will throw some technical jargan around and scare the crap out of you. Like for instance, I always have to “doosie a 2sie” after I eat dinner. It’s like clockwork, it goes in the front door and out the backdoor. One day my mom asked me if I always take the browns to the superbowl after I eat, and I said after dinner yeah pretty much. So she just like in passing mutters, “mmm sounds like peristalsis.” What? What was that? Psoriasis? Is it cancer? Am I dying? Is this the end? You can’t just throw a word like that at me and then not explain it!!! I had to look it up and it’s like literally just the word for muscle contractions that push food through your digestive tract. WTF Mom! That’s like someone saying, “woah that plants really growing” and I mutter, “mmm must be photosynthesis.” You’re just saying the word that the thing is! Don’t scare me like that!
I saw a study that said people who take naps during the day will die younger than those who don’t, which means that soon enough we will all die off and Tumblr will just be a deserted wasteland of abandoned blogs.
I was talking to this cute girl and she said she I need more self confidence and I said, “eyy, I do my Sudokus in pen…..so there!”
I’m so lazy that I will backspace through an entire paragraph to get to a mistake, rather than lift my arm to move the mouse to click there.
Out rollerblading today I passed people walking pit bulls, greyhounds, german shepherds, great danes, and huskies. Yet it was the pug that broke away from its owner and chased me down the street. What a little punk.
damn im finding out that apparently ive been blocked by more people than I even realized. I guess I want to be someone’s friend and I come on way to strong and send messages to often in the beginning and it comes off as creepy? you get blocked as many times as I have and it means you’re doing something wrong. im sorry. I really need to re-evaluate the way I try to make friends. I think I should start writing an general apology for shit like this because damn I feel bad :/
I am so out of the loop with drug lingo these days. My knowledge of drug terminology is only caught up to about 2003. I need a translator or a pocket-sized dictionary of terms. I hear you guys talk and I have no idea what any of it means, “Yeah im gonna hit that lean. Gotta smoke some wax. Wanna light that bread. Needa spank that Carrie. Get me trippin on Samantha. Goin to get wrecked on some Charlotte.” I mean I didn’t even figure out that “mary jane” is used as a name for pot because it kinda like sorta looks like “mari-juana” until last month! I’m not in the loop! Somebody clue me in!
When I was a freshman in high school the senior guys all got off on bullying me and they would always mess with me while I was at a urinal taking a piss. Liked they’d stand right behind me and whisper threats into my ear. Or they would grab my shoulders and shake me so I would piss on myself. So as a countermeasure I started puling my pants and boxer briefs right down to the ankle while I took a piss because all these macho asshats were so uncomfortable with dude-booty that they would leave me alone. Like that old saying goes, “fight fire with casual male nudity that makes cis-het douches uncomfortable”…or something like that.
One time I was stopped at an intersection and there was a homeless man on the island between the two lanes asking for money. I just had the sudden urge to give him some money, but I was like the 4th car back waiting at this light. So either he would have to come to me, or when the light turned green I would have to drive up to him, come to a stop, hand it to him, then drive away. That sounds like a sure way to get rear-ended by the car behind me, so I chose to roll down my window and hold the money out the window so he could see it and would come to me. Well he saw it just about the same time the light turned green. People went. He didn’t get to me yet. People behind me were honking cause I was holding up traffic. So I started accelerating slowly and realizing what was happening he started to jog towards me. Well when we met in the middle the hand-off wasn’t exactly as smooth as I had hoped for. And that’s the story of how I slapped a homeless man in the face.
Hi guys I am very sorry that I disappeared for 4 days there. I uh..I got into a fist fight against a capuchin monkey with a bad attitude and was hospitalized (okay so that’s a lie but it sounds better than not paying the cable bill and having the internet turned off). SO I am really sorry mates. I know I owe you 4 days worth of posts, but I hope this helps make up for it a bit. Here’s a totally embarrassing photo of me wearing the only giant, goofy helmet that I could find to fit my huge, lumpy, bulbous head. Enjoy.
Has anyone else thought that maybe Ted is telling his kids the very long story of “How I Met Your Mother” with every single detail because the mother just died after a painfully long battle with terminal cancer and he wants the kids to remember her? Is that just me? Am I the only one who watches the show with that understanding? I just feel like it makes the show more profound and heartfelt.
WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?? I CALLED IT. I CALLED IT A YEAR AGO! WHAT THE FUCK, I AM GOD. WORSHIP ME!
My grandparents live in this one-floor house that is so freakin small it makes me seem like a giant. I mean it was built in like the 40’s, so I guess people were smaller then? I feel like Gandalf whenever he visits Bag End. Anyways there are two bathrooms, one is so small that I literally can’t stand up in it, and the other has a really low window next to the toilet that faces the street. Honestly if I stand up to take a pee pee my junk is above the windowsill. Anyone on the street out front is getting a free show. I’ve flashed just about every dogwalker in my zip-code. So if you ever feel the need to see my equipment (or as I call them: Siegfried, Roy, and “The White Tiger”), then go for a drive around my town while I’m visiting grammy.