Nothing will ever make you feel whiter than having to look up slang you don’t know on UrbanDictionary.
I love how every episode of Jeopardy starts with the announcer yelling, “THIS ISSSSS JEOPARDY.” As if the word Jeopardy written on the walls, the podiums, and every clue-tile isn’t enough of a hint as to what show this is, they still have to make an announcement. Like I’m gonna sit half way through an episode and go, “HEY WAIT A SECOND, this isn’t Game of Thrones!”
Today I found out that my grandmother kills plants she doesn’t want in her yard by brewing up her own poison and using a hypodermic needle to inject the concoction directly into the root system of the problem-plant. And now I’m reaaaally afraid to get on her bad side. That’s some hard core shit. Never cross an old Italian woman.
UPDATE: Gram just told me a story about how she found out she was immune to poison ivy at a very young age. So to get back at the girls who lived next door that were very mean, she invited them into the woods to play in “a patch of pretty, soft plants” (tons and tons of poison ivy). To show them it was safe and nothing to be suspicious of, my grandmother rolled around in it all first with no reaction or hesitation. The neighbor girls were bed-ridden for a month straight. That’s cooold. Gram’s a straight gangster.
Paul Walker, the star of the Fast and Furious movie franchise, dying in a car accident is really just the universe showing off it’s fucking twisted sense of humor. God damn man.
Tonight is my 5-year high school reunion and there’s no way in hell that I’m going. People keep asking me why and saying, “Aww c’mon go it’ll be fun you should go blah blhahblahbh.” There are only two reasons you go to a high school reunion: 1) To relive your “glory days” and try to recapture some sense of importance that you lost when you graduated, and 2) To share your successes and accomplishments with your old friends and rub them in the face of the people you hated. That’s it. That’s all there is. Considering the cynical, depressed, antisocial butthead I am you can imagine that I did not have such “glory days” to relive. And even worse, I have accomplished nothing in these last 5 years that I want to go flaunt about in front of people who had such high expectations of me.
How’s that gonna go, “Ohh hey man yeah yeah long time yeah….oh you were valedictorian at Providence College? Wow that’s great good for you….Hey Matty..WHAt you’re an intern at ESPN? Wow that’s great good for you….Sup Joe….mhm mhmm wow masters degree in biomedical engineering that’s great good for you…Oh hey Kel….yeah that…great….army lietenant…wow…hey Mi….job at Microsoft…YEAH WELL I’VE BEEN PRETTY GOOD TOO….I uhh….I invented this trick for picking up a rake with my foot so I don’t have to bend over…but it will only work if it’s a little curved so I can get my foot underneath it…otherwise I have to pick it up regularly…..yeah I don’t wanna brag but its pretty sweet….guess we all have our amazing things going on, you guys with your high level degrees and spouses and impressive, well-paying careers….and me with my rake trick…..we’ve all come so far.
…..see you at the 10-year reunion…”
I don’t like “Black Friday” it makes me nervous. I would feel better if we at least refer to it as “African-American Friday.’
To all my American friends I’d like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. Remember to gluttonously stuff your face in honor of Pocahontas teaching Christopher Columbus how to play two-hand touch with a cornucopia (or if you want you can remember how a group of Pilgrims threw a feast to give thanks to God for allowing them to slaughter 700 Native Americans of a local tribe which eventually was twisted by American capitalism into a profitable holiday based on a fictionalized tradition of harmonious peace between Pilgrims and Native Americans, but I like my version of the story better). Pass the apple pie!
I just saw “Pitch Perfect” for the first time (yeah it was actually really good I admit it) and now the whole “cup song” thing makes sense! I’ve seen so many people cover it on tumblr and I never bothered to watch the videos cause I just figured it was people signing about cups like: “Yeah cups, they’re really great. They’re like a liquid’s version of a plate.” or something idk I’m not a lyricist but anyways yeah now I’ll watch all the cups song videos can we bring them back.
Anonymous asked: wait... I swear you live near me
my city…is right in my bio…like in the first 15 words. im from western Massachusetts….whats the confusion…..are you not sure where you live…is that the problem?
It’s so weird to think all these asshats that were awful douchebags in high school will eventually be adults with important jobs. Like this D student, drug addict I graduated with is now a cop in my city and I mean, if he pulled me over and was like, “license and registration” I’d say, “HEYY Adam, remember that time in freshman year English class when you tried to see if you could masturbate without getting caught and then just rubbed your nut on the underside of your desk.”
Crawling around on my hands and knees weeding/spreading mulch in the garden and flowers beds and stuff has really given me an appreciation for how taxing it must be to give a blowjob. My knees are so soooore :( .